


Ryan the Human Guy

by thatmavin



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Bodily Functions, Don't Read This, Farting, Flatulence, Gross, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Prompt Fill, Seriously you guys, Tumblr Prompt, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-08
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-16 16:01:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2275869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatmavin/pseuds/thatmavin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Come on, Gavin!” Michael rose his voice. “Tell us what he’s like in-house!”</p><p>“Yeah, does he do anything weird?” Ray asked.</p><p>“Does he have a closet with strange locks that he won’t tell you about?” Michael adds to the nonsensical questions. </p><p>“Fine.” Gavin turns in his chair to face the other Lads. “I will tell you one thing.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ryan the Human Guy

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hello!
> 
> So here's the prompt:  
> "Hi so...I've read Tinypecker's fic about Geoff farting, and I thought...who in the office would I be most surprised to hear them fart during a Let's Play or something? And I thought Ryan fucking Haywood! Could you imagine? I bet he doesn't even do it! Which is why I think you should write about a fic where he does. Please? I'll love you forever."
> 
> You guys...why? I almost never get prompts...and this is the first one I've gotten in a while, so I had to do it. But...why farts? Why not something blissfully romantic or I dunno...painfully heartbreaking?
> 
> Sabrina, this one is your fault. Hopefully no one will read this and I'll be able to redeem myself. This is so embarrassing. No one even look at me. 
> 
> And as Always,  
> Thanks for Reading!  
> ~ThatMavin

“Gav, come on. Spill the beans.” Ray demands as he and Michael surround Gavin at his desk in the Achievement Hunter office. 

“What do you mean?” Gavin pretends not to know what they mean. As if the entire office, and the rest of the RT/AH staff haven’t been talking about it as well. Just this past three day weekend, Gavin and Ryan had moved into their own house together —  _finally_. 

“Come on, Gavin!” Michael rose his voice. “Tell us what he’s like in-house!”

“Yeah, does he do anything weird?” Ray asked.

“Does he have a closet with strange locks that he won’t tell you about?” Michael adds to the nonsensical questions. 

“Fine.” Gavin turns in his chair to face the other Lads. “I will tell you one thing.” 

“Yes, tell us!” The two men chorused. 

“So, Ry and I have been dating for a  _while_ , like almost a year. As you two know.” Gavin began. 

“Yeah, and?” Michael raises a brow. 

“I’ve never heard him fart.” Gavin announces. Ray looks slightly disappointed.

“Aw, lame.” Ray frowns. 

“No, it’s like he’s not human.” Gavin continues. “It’s like he doesn’t even poo, either. I know he eats, but I don’t know what he does with it when it’s…digested.”

“Maybe he’s like an alien.” Michael smirks. 

“Gavin, not cool.” Ray folds his arms. “I wanted something  _actually_  interesting.”

“You don’t think it’s strange?” Gavin chuckles. 

“I mean, is he aware that you do those things?” Ray asks. “Maybe he’s waiting for you to fire your gun first and then he’ll return fire.”

“Um, I’ve already ‘fired my gun’ a while ago.” Gavin blushes. “We were on like our third date, or something. Well not really a  _date_ , we didn’t go anywhere. We were just hanging out at his house and watching a movie.” 

“And?” Michael tries not to laugh. 

“I dunno, it just came out.” Gavin shrugs. Ray and Michael can’t help but laugh like the immature children they were. 

“What did he do when you farted?” Michael says through continued laughter. 

“He just looks at me and goes ‘Wow, Gav. Nice one.’ and keeps watching the movie.” Gavin shrugs. 

“He didn’t even laugh?” Ray finally is surprised, and deems this now as valuable information. 

“I mean, he chuckled a bit…not really. More like ‘ha-ha’, but not really a laugh. It sounded more like he was just saying it.” Gavin explains. 

“Holy fuck, he isn’t human!” Ray gasps, joining the other two Lads with their conspiracy theories. 

“Maybe he’s just way more mature than us, I mean he is a Gent.” Michael points out. 

“Jack and Geoff laugh at farts.” Ray informs the redhead. 

“Maybe he was just really into the movie?” Michael asks Gavin. 

“Well, he-” Gavin is cut off by the door opening and Ryan walking in. Ray and Michael scatter back to their seats and Gavin quickly turns his chair back towards his computer. Ryan raises a brow as he crosses the room to his desk. 

“Hi to you guys, too?” He’s a bit confused as to why no one greeted him. Not that he felt himself  _entitled_  to a friendly hello. However, usually if anyone else failed to say hello, Gavin would always give a ‘hi, Ry!’ or rush to hug him and peck his cheek. But this time, nothing. “Is everything alright?” 

“Yeah, we’re good.” Ray answers. Ryan’s bullshit detector began to go off a bit, but he didn’t say anything. He knew he could worm the details out of Gavin when they got home. 

_____________________________

That night, when Gavin was washing the dishes from their dinner, because it was his turn…Ryan went in for attack. 

"Hey Gavin," Ryan leaned against the archway to the kitchen. 

"Hi, love." Gavin answered absentmindedly. He was focused on getting cooked-on pasta sauce out of the pot and he was determined to win this fight. 

"I missed you at work today." Ryan says as he strolls across the room towards his boyfriend. 

"That’s bloody ridiculous, we work in the same office." Gavin couldn’t help but chuckle at this. 

"I know, but you weren’t talking to me today. I missed you." Ryan was telling the truth, he’d felt a bit saddened as his boyfriend ignored him all day. Ryan then stands behind his lover, wrapping his arms around the Brit from behind. 

"Ry, I’ll be done with the dishes soon.” Gavin felt Ryan’s hands moving under his shirt. “Can’t you wait?" Gavin could sense where this was going, but not  _why_  it was happening. To his knowledge, Ryan just was in the mood. But, Ryan knew the truth. That he was using this as a tactic to get information out of Gavin. 

In any other situation, using sex as a ploy would be inhumane…kind of. However, Ryan meant no harm by it. 

With his teeth, he attacked Gavin’s pulse point on his neck. The Brit let the dish in his hand splash back into the water. This sent soapy water onto his shirt. 

"God damn it, Ry!" 

"Too bad." Ryan shrugged, releasing Gavin from his arms so he could tug the younger man’s shirt over his head. Gavin trembled a bit as a chill ran up his spine from the sudden cold. "You didn’t really need the shirt anyway, right?"

"What’s the matter with you, huh?" Gavin’s voice was taunting, and his pruned fingers played with the feathery hairs at the nape of Ryan’s neck. 

"I want you," Ryan’s voice was deep, and low with lust. 

"Mmmm, do you?" Gavin smirked leaning forward and connecting their lips. 

"I want you…to tell me something." Ryan got down on his knees in front of Gavin. 

"R-Ryan…!"

_____________________________

 

All attempts failed. Gavin refused to tell Ryan anything, and in return, Ryan refused to have sex that night. Until…he gave in to Gavin’s teasing and fucked him right into the mattress. However, Ryan’s curiosity was  _killing_  him. So the next morning, he turned to his fellow Gents for guidance. 

"Gents! Assemble!" Ryan burst into the Achievement Hunter office. Jack and Geoff looked up from their desks, looking at Ryan like he had two heads. Ryan pouted. "You guys…you’re supposed to assemble…it was going to be cool and superhero-like."

"Uh…" Geoff scratched his head. "Why not ‘Team Gents, Unite!’ or something like that?"

"Or maybe-" Jack was about to offer a line as well, but Ryan cut him off. 

"Guys, I need to talk to you before the Lads return. Seriously, come on!"

~*~

Finally ‘assembled’ in Ryan’s car, where it was safe to talk, Ryan began his interrogation. 

"Alright, so you guys." Ryan looked at the two of them. "Gavin’s been acting weird, so have the other Lads…and I don’t know what’s going on."

"Weird how?" Jack raises a brow. 

"Like…he’s keeping something from me? I don’t know." Ryan asks them. "If he’s planning on proposing to me or something, don’t tell me — or — no, tell me. Wait don’t…wait… well maybe tell me. Should you tell me?"

"It’s not that." Geoff responds. "I know what it is. I heard Ray and Michael whispering about it in the staff kitchen."

"What is it?" Ryan fidgets in anticipation. 

"The Lads think you’re not human because you don’t have any bodily functions." Geoff states, and Jack laughs. 

"What?" Ryan holds his hand to his forehead. "No bodily functions?"

"Supposedly, you don’t fart or go number two." Geoff starts laughing as well. 

"That’s insane. If I didn’t, I’d die." Ryan shakes his head. "I mean, we’re all adults, right? They don’t  _actually_  think I’m not human.”

"I don’t think they really believe that." Geoff says. "But, maybe Gav thinks it means you’re not comfortable around him?"

"I thought only guys complained about their partners not farting in front of them as a sign of discomfort…in movies?" Ryan sighs. 

"This is real life my friend and you’re the uncomfortable damsel in distress." Geoff pats Ryan’s shoulder. 

"How about…you do it now?" Jack suggests. "Then we can tell the Lads all about it."

"What?" Ryan’s eyes go wide. "I’m not gonna hotbox you guys in the car with my fart."

"Then do it to Gavin when you guys leave work." Jack shrugs. 

"My god, relationships are so complicated nowadays." Ryan rolls his eyes. "Whatever happened to the good old days? When the only concern was rather or not your partner could make a decent meatloaf and play Yahtzee?"

"Who the hell do you know sits around bitching about meatloaf and Yahtzee?" Geoff asks. 

"Yeah, seriously Ryan." Jack and Geoff begin laughing hard together. 

_____________________________

Towards the end of the day, Ryan comes into the office to find Team Lads huddled up in the corner of the room again near Gavin’s desk. And again, they scatter like roaches when they hear Ryan come in the door. Jack and Geoff snicker from their own desks. At least this time, Gavin has the initiative to say hello. 

"Ry!" The Brit quickly crosses the room, wrapping his arms around Ryan’s neck and giving him a full kiss on the mouth. The rest of the office groans. 

"Hey!" Geoff scolds. "No PDA with your alien-robot boyfriend."

"Geoff!" Gavin gasps, quickly reddening and turning to look at Ryan. "Geoff’s just joking, I don’t think you’re an alien or a robot." Gavin lies. 

"Gav, Geoff told me about what you and the Lads have been talking about." Ryan informs him. Again, Gavin turns to glare at Geoff. "And it’s ridiculous."

"Ryan, but it’s true! You never do those things!" Gavin says, poking his lower lip out. "I don’t want to be the only one who’s gross and human and stuff."

"I’m gross and human too, just a more polite human than you." Ryan laughs.

"Are you too scared to do it?" Gavin raises a brow, a chorus of "ooooh" fills this office. 

"What? Scared to fart?" Ryan knits his brow together in disbelief. "No."

"Then do it, right here. Right now." Gav eggs him on. Ryan glances around the room for a second, then shrugs. 

"No." Ryan removes Gavin’s arms from around his neck. Again, the "oooooh" fills the room.

"What? Ryan!" Gavin watches as his boyfriend packs up their stuff.

"It’s time to go home, let’s go." Ryan announces, then leaves the office. 

_____________________________

The car ride was silent, besides Gavin apologizing. 

"I’m sorry if I embarrassed you." Gavin says. 

"You didn’t."

"Sorry if I made you uncomfortable."

"I wasn’t."

"Sorry for-" 

"Gavin," Ryan glances at him. "It’s fine, I honestly don’t care. I just think it’s hilarious that you think I’m not human because you haven’t heard me fart."

"I know you’re a human." Gavin folds his arms. "Just not comfortable around me."

"I am!"

"Then how come-"

"Gavin, I was risen by a very strict family. Things like bodily functions were deemed as the rudest of the rude. You didn’t just let one go in front of someone.” Ryan explains. “Like one time, my mom accidentally farted in front of my dad, and she wanted to die. She was painfully embarrassed about it for a week until my father finally came around and said ‘I forgive you’ to her."

"He had to forgive her for doing a guff?"

"Yeah."

“ _Bleeding hell_ , Ry. No wonder you’re so ninja style about it.” 

"Yeah." Ryan says again. 

"I’ll drop it." Gavin states. 

"What?" Ryan looks over at Gavin. 

"I’ll drop it, since it’s kind of against your upbringing." Gavin shrugs. "At least I know it’s not because you’re uncomfortable."

"Um…well," Ryan can’t help but give a tiny smile. "Thanks, Gav."

"Yup."

_____________________________

"I don’t see it." Gavin sits on the wooden floor of their home, watching Ryan rub at one of the planks looking for the nail he cut his foot on. 

"It’s somewhere around here." Ryan frowns as he tries to remember where he was stepping.

"Let me get you a torch." Gavin goes to stand up. 

"I don’t need a flashlight, I can feel it. Here it is." Ryan holds his finger on it.

"Are you going to pull it up or hammer it back down?" Gavin asks. 

"Hammer it back down. I imagine if the nail was there, it must be there for a reason. Don’t wanna fall through or anything." Ryan holds out his hand. "Hammer."

"Hammer!" Gavin repeated, excited to be helping at all…even if it’s just being Ryan’s ‘lovely assistant’ for the task. Ryan hammers the nail back down flat. "I wonder what even made the nail pop-up. Has it always been like this?"

"I dunno." Ryan shrugs, then pauses in his motions. He looks like he’s thinking about something. 

"What?"

"I…" Ryan’s blue eyes flicker up to look at Gavin. His bottom lip held between his teeth. 

"You what?" Gavin studies Ryan’s face, trying to gather what the look meant. He hasn’t seen Ryan wear this one before. But, all questions as to what it means went away when Gavin heard sudden noise come from Ryan. A noise only amplified by the wooden floor Ryan was sat upon. Gavin’s eyes went wide, before his uncontrollable immature laughter took him over. 

"There." Ryan states proudly, though he did blush a bit. 

"Ryan, you — !!" Gavin couldn’t stop laughing as he walked on his knees over to his boyfriend. "You farted!"

"Um…yeah, I did."

"Ugh, gross!" Gavin regretted his decision to approach Ryan, pulling his shirt over his nose and mouth. "For fuck’s sake, Ryan!"

"This is what you wanted!" Ryan lunged forward and caught Gavin in a death grip before he could escape. "This was your bidding!"

"Ryan!" Gavin couldn’t help but keep laughing, no matter how awful Ryan was being. 

"Say it!"

"Say what??" Gavin squawks as Ryan’s grip on him tightens.

"Say that I’m human and you’ll stop questioning it!"

"You’re human, I won’t question another damn thing!" Gavin falls onto the floor when Ryan let’s him go. The two of them look at each other for a while. "You’re so silly, Ry."

"Sorry," Ryan says.

"What?" Gavin raises a brow. "For what?"

"I don’t know, felt like I should apologize." Ryan shrugs. Gavin pulls his shirt from his face. 

"No need, Ry." Gavin crawls back over to Ryan, now that it’s safe. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Ryan pulls Gavin into his lap and presses a kiss to his lips. 

"I should get you back." Gavin smirks, wiggling his bottom in Ryan’s lap. 

"I’ll kill you." Ryan glares at him.

"Too late." Gavin smirks.

"What do you mean?" Ryan asks…then it hits him, and it hits him  _hard_. “Holy fuck, Gavin!”

**Author's Note:**

> If you read this, I apologize. This is gross and embarrassing and I hope we can still be friends.  
> ~ThatMavin
> 
> SABRINA WHY!?


End file.
